What to say when your child says “I can’t sleep”
When your child says “I can’t sleep,” keep it calm, brief and boring: “Your body knows how to rest. Lie here with me for a minute.” Skip the big talk and the “why are you still awake?” questions. Save the detective work for tomorrow, and try slow breathing, dim light and a steady routine.
Mela: whispers “night is coming” so the body gets sleepy
Say it to your kidMela whispers “night is coming” so your body gets sleepy, but bright lights and busy thoughts can drown her out. You don’t have to force sleep. Just lie cozy, breathe slowly, smell the flower and blow out the candle, and let Mela do her job.
Why can’t my child fall asleep?
Usually it is a mix. Mela, the “night is coming” hormone, gets turned down by bright evening light. A 2022 lab study tested 15 light levels, from dim to very bright, on 36 preschoolers in the hour before bed: melatonin fell by roughly 69% to 99%, about 85% on average. Add Dopa asking for one more episode, Endo’s unspent energy and Corti ringing “still awake? emergency!”, and bedtime gets hard.
Routine matters too. In an observational UK study of 10,230 children, irregular bedtimes at age 7 were linked to more behavior difficulties. These findings show a link, not proof of cause, but they support what many families see: a steady schedule is easier on small brains.
What should I say when they call out at 10 p.m.?
Be the most boring person in the house. A calm voice, a steady hand on the back and a short sentence tell their body that nothing is wrong. The more energy you bring to the conversation, the more awake everyone gets.
- Do one quick check: thirsty, bathroom, too hot or too cold, a worry.
- Use the same short line each time, in the same low voice.
- Offer a predictable check-in: “I’ll come back in five minutes.”
- Keep the lights low and phones, yours included, out of the room.
What about worries that show up at bedtime?
Night makes worries louder because there is nothing else to look at. Take them seriously and keep them short. A worry notebook by the bed can help: say it, write it, “park” it until the morning. Over the day, try “three good things” at dinner or bedtime, which the Greater Good Science Center suggests as an easy habit that turns attention toward what went well.
Save deeper conversations for daytime. Late-night talks tend to wind both of you up. If the worry is big, repeated or tied to school, bring it up the next afternoon over a snack.
What habits make bedtime easier?
The advice that keeps showing up in pediatric guidance is dim, dull and the same: screens off about an hour before bed, low and warm lights, the same order of steps every night including weekends, a cool dark room, and devices out of the bedroom. Move active play to the afternoon so energy has somewhere to go.
| Age | Recommended hours |
|---|---|
| 3–5 years | 10–13 hours |
| 6–12 years | 9–12 hours |
| 13–18 years | 8–10 hours |
What you’ll see at home
- Lights out at nine, wide awake at ten-thirty
- Repeated calls for water, a hug or one more thing
- A second wind around bedtime
- Bedtime worries and questions
- Hard mornings after a late night
Try tonight
- Dim the house and turn screens off one hour before bed.
- Practice slow breathing together for two minutes: smell the flower, blow out the candle.
- Keep the same bedtime as last night and use one short line if they call out.
What to say
Instead of“Just go to sleep!”
Say“You don’t have to sleep. Just lie cozy and breathe with me: smell the flower, blow out the candle.”
Sleep can’t be forced, and pressure makes it harder. Slow breathing is easier to do than sleeping, and it helps the body settle.
Instead of“Why are you still awake?!”
Say“I’m right here. Let’s check: thirsty, bathroom, cozy?”
A question with an edge puts Corti on alert. A quick, calm check covers the usual causes.
Instead of“There’s nothing to be scared of.”
Say“That sounds like a big worry. Let’s write it down and look at it together tomorrow.”
It takes the worry seriously without feeding it at midnight.
Instead of“Let’s talk about why you can’t sleep.” (at 11 p.m.)
Say“Tonight we rest. Tomorrow we’ll do detective work together.”
Late conversations wake everyone up. Daytime is for finding the cause.
Instead of“If you don’t sleep you’ll be a zombie tomorrow!”
Say“Resting your body still helps. I’ll check on you in five minutes.”
Warnings raise the alarm. Resting counts, and a predictable check-in is reassuring.
Want the whole crew on your side?
The Kid Brain Toolkit: the 12 hardest moments decoded, from screens off to bedtime, with what to say and what to try tonight. Read it in one evening.
See the plansThe Toolkit is $9, one payment. For learning only, not medical advice.
Questions parents ask
Should I give my child melatonin?
Melatonin is also the body’s own hormone, which rises in the evening when the lights are low. If you’re thinking about melatonin gummies, ask your pediatrician first. Habits like dim light, steady bedtimes and no screens before bed come first.
How long should I stay in the room?
There’s no single right answer. Staying calm and brief, then slowly moving farther away over several nights, works for many families. Pick a plan you can repeat.
Is it okay for a child to lie awake sometimes?
Yes. Most kids have nights when sleep takes a while. Rest with slow breathing still helps, and one hard night isn’t a reason to change everything.
Does a phone in the bedroom matter?
Probably. In a study of 2,048 fourth and seventh graders (Falbe and colleagues, 2015), kids who slept near a small screen such as a phone reported about 21 fewer minutes of sleep on weeknights. That study shows a link, not proof of cause. Charging phones in the kitchen is an easy first step.
Keep reading
- What to say when… scripts for the hardest momentsFewer words, more presence. Each script is short enough to remember mid-meltdown.
- Why can’t my child fall asleep at night?Lights out, brain on. Why kids lie awake, how Corti, Gabi and the body clock work, and calm habits to try tonight. Plus when to call the pediatrician.
- Why does my child get a second wind at bedtime?Yawning at 7, bouncing at 9:30. What a bedtime second wind may be, what Mela, light and the body clock have to do with it, and how to catch the window.
- What does melatonin do? Your kid’s own night signal, explainedMelatonin is the hormone the body makes to say night is coming. How light affects it in kids, why teens run late, and habits that help sleep.
- Should kids sleep with their phone in the bedroom?Phones in kids’ bedrooms are linked to less sleep. Meet Bedi, the villain behind it, see what the research found and how to beat it tonight.
- Do screens before bed lower kids’ melatonin?Bright evening light can push back the body’s own melatonin. See what one preschool study found and how to dim the evening with Glo.
- Do irregular bedtimes affect kids’ behavior?Irregular bedtimes are linked with more behavior struggles in kids. See what a 10,230-child study found and how to keep bedtime steady.
- How much sleep does my child need? Hours by age, 4 months to 18AASM sleep hours for kids from 4 months to 18, signs your child is short on sleep, why teens run late, and how light, screens and bedtime change things.
- Meet the crewAll 26 characters, grouped.
Sources
- American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Recommended sleep durations for pediatric populations (consensus statement), 2016.
- Hartstein et al., 2022. High sensitivity of melatonin suppression response to evening light in preschool-aged children. Journal of Pineal Research.
- Kelly, Kelly & Sacker, 2013. Changes in bedtime schedules and behavioral difficulties in 7 year old children. Pediatrics.
- Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley.
- Falbe et al., 2015. Sleep duration, restfulness, and screens in the sleep environment. Pediatrics 135(2).
- Child Mind Institute. Tantrums and meltdowns, calming down, co-regulation, siblings, sleep, teens.
Educational content only, built on everyday habits. It’s not medical advice, a diagnosis or a treatment. If something about your child’s sleep, mood, growth or behavior worries you, talk to your pediatrician.